The Boulder Obstructing the View
Today's blog is a hard one to write. It's a story of road blocks, unachieved goals and tears. There's a boulder obstructing the view.
How do you write about emotions that are hard to feel, little own understand? My mind tumbles through my thoughts like a dryer turning through clothes. See although the home study interview went well and my social worker is lovely, we have officially arrived at the boulder...
I found out over a week ago, in my first interview with the social worker, that next Thursday I need to have evidence that I can afford to adopt. I need evidence that I have access to $50,000. And. I. Don't.
This $50,000 will cover the cost of flights, accommodation, legal fees, translation costs and taking a year off work to build my family.
Whenever I hear from my social worker she brings up the fact that I don't have this money. She mentions the boulder. I would love to remind her that I can see the boulder and that I'm working on it but the truth is no matter what I sell and no matter how much I save, I can't turn 50c into a dollar. I. Don't. Have. Enough. My spade and pitchfork are not going to move the boulder.
In many other things I trust God easily. But money. Isn't that a materialistic thing? Why would God be interested in money? And why do I seem to always hit the shortfall of money when it comes to my dreams? Why do my dreams cost so much money?!
To help lessen the size of my boulder I have had to make the difficult decision of stopping my sponsorship to World Vision. I have been sponsoring with them for 17 years (almost to the day!) and I have sponsored one of my current 'children' for over 9 years. I have literally seen her grow up. Add to this that I have visited both of my current sponsored children twice. I've held their hand as we have talked about life; I've danced with them and hugged them and their family members; I have been told by their mother's that I am a part of their family as I have sat in their mud huts eating bananas and g-nuts. There have been times before that I have been told to stop sponsoring because I was on the benefit between jobs or because I was going to Africa for 5 months. But I decided not to. My reply was 'It's not their fault I don't have a job.' And although it's not their fault that I have chosen to adopt I have come to the realisation that I need to put more money into 'sponsoring' my own two girls.
God is teaching me something in this and maybe there is something here for you. He is teaching me about His ultimate control, even over money. He's teaching me about patience. And I'm sure that by the time the boulder has been cleared He will have taught me many other things too. There may just be another 'corner' blocking the view.
At the moment my reality is, find the money or start the process of adoption again in 4 - 5 years time. But I have to trust that God is faithful and that what He has called me to, He will provide for. I have to believe in His word.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
Take heart that what God has called you to, He will provide for. His timing is perfect and you can always lean on Him.