Learning From Other's Stories

It's been a long time, I do apologise. I have had 'Write a blog post' on my list of things to do for about 6 months. The problem was I didn't know what to write or whether it would be interesting. Now that I'm sitting to write I'm not sure where to start but hopefully my ramblings will gather to some order and sense.

The title of this post is 'Learning from Other's Stories' because over the past 6+ months that is what I have been doing. It started when I commented on a post on one of the many adoption pages that I follow. I can't quite remember what happened next but it resulted in me being put in touch with a lady named Tonny who also adopted a child from India as a single woman and who lives in Canterbury. I had previously been in touch with other single woman who had adopted from India but none who I could actually go and visit.

Tonny and I talked on Messenger for a few weeks and I read her blog, learning about her adoption journey and the many highs and lows (as they all seem to have). When I told Tonny where I worked she commented that our school had a great sewerage system. I've had a lot of great comments about where I work but that would have to be the first time our sewerage system was to be commended. It turns out she is a lecturer at Canterbury University and as part of her field of interest has visited our school (and sewerage system). 

We decided to meet and so one hot day in November I drove to her house in Hororata. When I arrived at Tonny's house and heard her talking to her daughter I was surprised to hear a language that wasn't English but also didn't sound like a language from India. I soon learned that Tonny is from the Netherlands and her daughter can speak fluent Dutch after spending a year in The Netherlands while Tonny was on her sabbatical. They speak Dutch at home and her daughter is steadily building her English at school. We went to the local pool together and spent time swimming and playing. I found it intriguing to watch the relationship between Tonny and her daughter, lovely to see the attachment they had created. 

Tonny adopted her daughter when she was 2 years old. She was able to adopt a younger child as she went down the 'special needs' criteria. Her daughter was 6 at the time of meeting and absolutely in love with the movie Frozen. I was given a full rendition of 'Let it Go' including the throwing off of the glove. This visit was very important for me. I learned new and interesting things about the adoption process that I hadn't experienced yet and was able to talk to someone who had walked the journey and therefore knew a lot of the adoption 'lingo' and experiences. But most valuable of all was meeting someone who had adopted and was now living life as a working, single mother with a great attachment to her child. I saw that it is possible.

After meeting Tonny and her daughter I did a random search on Libby, the Christchurch Library app, for 'adoption'. The first book to come up was called 'Will You Love Me?' This book is one of many written by Cathy Glass who has been fostering children in the UK for over 20 years. In this story she tells of a child that she fosters and then adopts. The story is an extraordinary one with young Lucy suffering many troubled times before eventually being fostered by Cathy at the age of 11 years. 

Since reading this story I have read several others that Cathy has written including one regarding a girl who was adopted internationally by another couple and then later went into foster care with Cathy. Some situations within this book were an eye-opener for me and I have learned ideas that I hope I can put into place, if needed, when Bunny comes home. There is a difference between reading about possible symptoms of children who have faced trauma and then reading somebodies actual experiences. The great thing I love about Cathy's books is that on her website you can click on the book you have read and read a short update on the child's situation. I recommend these books, although they contain incredibly sad stories of children who have suffered a great deal, there is hope and that in turn gives me hope. I know Bunny will suffer trauma, I don't know what this will look like in her behaviour, but these stories give me hope that there is a way through.

The latest book I have read is 'Lioness'. This is the autobiography of Sue Brierley, the woman who adopted Saroo and of whom the movie 'Lion' is about. Sue's own upbringing was one of chaos and neglect. From a young age she wanted to adopt but when she got married at the age of 17 her and her husband were unable to as they were not infertile. At the time in Australia you could only adopt if you were unable to have your own children. It took 16 years of waiting for this law and mindset to change. 

The adoption of Saroo happened very quickly (within a year) and Saroo quickly attached and was a happy child. It was the story of Mantosh that I particularly wanted to hear; depicted on film as a child who went into fits of rage and suffered from many addictions as an adult. I knew there was more to the story. I learned that when they were matched to Mantosh he was a happy, compliant little boy. This was very different to what the movie showed and I was intrigued. Before Mantosh got to Australia the Indian Government thought that Mantosh shouldn't be adopted as his mother was still alive so they placed him in a different children's home as the one he was in was for adoption only. 

Unfortunately the children's home that Mantosh was moved to was notorious for abuse. Sue and John (her husband) knew this and fought to get Mantosh back and eventually, after writing a formal letter to the Indian Government, they were able to do so. He arrived in Australia with many signs of abuse including cigarette burns covering his small body. You can imagine the impact of this abuse on a small child. The journey was very difficult from here on in and I applaud Sue and John for what they did, including reaching out for help when they needed to. I thoroughly recommend a reading of this book. It is available as an audio book on the Libby app. 

When people ask me why I want to adopt and share concerns about what challenges this child might bring with them I think of these stories and I think 'just because it's hard doesn't mean it can't, and shouldn't be done.' EVERY child deserves a loving family.