Little D - Bravery is Sometimes More in the Letting Go

It is been many months since the following story unfolded but it's now time to talk about it. 

 At the beginning of this year I went on to the CARA (Central Adoption Resource Authority in India) website. On this website there is information regarding children with special needs or large sibling groups who are waiting to be adopted. Previously I hadn't been able to look at their files, not realising that the only reason was due to my computer not allowing pop ups! As I looked at the photos and information on many of these children a particular photo stood out, Little D. I clicked on one of her files to find out more and then went about my day. 

A few days later I showed my mum Little D. She asked me what I could do now. I said I didn't know and planned to leave it at that. Mum told me I should contact Wendy (at the NZ adoption agency). I emailed Wendy about this child and she gave me some more information that I hadn't seen due to not opening all her files. She asked if I was interested in knowing more. On a walk with Mum the next day we were discussing the pros and cons of this new information. Perhaps this was too big a step? 

That night as I went to bed I quickly checked my emails before bed (something that I shouldn't do, especially if it is from Wendy!). Wendy had contacted the SAA (specialist Adoption Agency) where Little D lived and they had sent through 3 photos and 3 videos of her. In one video she was moving from one foot to another as a career sang to her, in another she was moving pieces of a large jigsaw puzzle around. But it was the last video that caught me. She was playing on a rocking horse while a career was videoing her. She rocked back and forward happily and then pointed to the curtains and ran over to play 'peek a boo'. For the next few minutes I watched as she hid behind a curtain and laughed and giggled as the career pulled the curtain away. She would then run over to another curtain and hide again. There was so much joy in her play. I was in love. 

I asked Wendy if we could find out more and asked if it was sensible to reserve her. Reserving a child means that no one else can see them on the CARA website (therefore they can't reserve her) but when reserving a child you only have 28 days to find out everything you need to make your decision of whether you will adopt that child. Wendy suggested that we don't do this yet as we needed to find more information. She suggested that I should think about going over to India to see Little D as this would help me to know what her true abilities were. I knew that this wasn't possible due to the cost, and the next day our borders were closed to India as they struggled with Covid19. I had to try to make the decision, but the ability to get extra testing done was prohibited by the outbreak occurring in India at the time. 

Over the next few weeks I contacted medical professionals in New Zealand to look over her medical files. I was so excited to be seeing some sort of movement, perhaps this was finally it, what I had been waiting for for years. Then one day at school, during lunchtime, I was checking my emails and had one from Wendy. In her email she informed me that Little D had gone off line, meaning someone else had reserved her. I was devastated. My dream of what could have been came crashing down around me. My incredible boss allowed me to go home and advised that I did't come back for a few days. 

Those few days were hard. I had never really had to grieve anything like that before. How do you grieve something that was a dream come true, that you had waited years for but was never really yours anyway? I felt like a fraud, a very sad fraud. I remember walking around my house in a daze not sure at all what I was supposed to be doing or feeling. Wendy advised me to keep looking on the site as new children were uploaded every so often. She said that she would as well. Four days later I was scrolling through the pictures of children waiting for their families when I saw Little D's photo had come back online. I couldn't believe it! A second chance. I emailed Wendy directly asking if this was normal and what we should do next. She said that it does happen at times and asked if I wanted to reserve her. "YES!" Was my response.

Now we had 28 days. 28 days to gather all the information that we could about Little D in order to make a decision about whether I could provide the family that she would need to grow and thrive. And India was still in lockdown. Tests weren't being done, emails weren't being answered. We weren't going anywhere. I had heard of people in the USA taking the medical reports of children they were considering adopting to an adoption paediatrician. I decided to investigate this option further as we don't have any paediatricians in New Zealand who specifically focus on adoption and some of the medical conditions involved. I emailed one lady who was recommended on the Indian Adoption Facebook page but she was soon going on leave so was unable to help. I asked Wendy and she suggested an organisation that others had used before. I visited their website, uploaded all of Little D's information and paid a large sum of money for a report to be written within 24 hours. 

22 hours later I had the report which unfortunately wasn't as in depth as I was hoping and didn't seem to answer our questions. I forwarded it to Wendy and then asked the paediatrician some questions regarding the information. While I was waiting for their answer I reached out to the Indian Adoption Facebook page asking if anyone had any experience that may be able to help me. Several people replied with stories of their own experience. But then, Sarah* commented asking if this child was 'child D' she then said, "If she is we have some information on her." I private messaged Sarah and she willingly shared two medical reports that they had got done that gave me much more information regarding Little D. In fact Sarah and her husband were the family that had reserved Little D a few weeks earlier. With this new information in front of me, and time ticking away, I now had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. I had fallen in love with this little girl. I had seen her face, had heard her laugh, I had created images in my head of what our life could be. And now I had to decide whether I really could give her that life. With days of praying and crying and even some yelling at God I made the decision that I wasn't able to give Little D everything that she would need and deserve. I cried, a lot. 

As soon as I had made the decision I took my journal and my cat Bella and sat in the teepee in Bunny's room. Here I wrote a letter to Little D. I told her how sorry I was that I wasn't able to be her mummy and how I hoped and prayed that another family would come along who could give her everything that she deserved to live a good life. I thanked her for helping me start looking at different options and for teaching me how to fight, how to be brave and that bravery is sometimes more in the letting go. This letter was never for Little D, but it was a way for me to farewell the dream. 

Sometime after this Wendy showed me the profile of a little girl who is now my little girl, 'Bunny'. At times I still thought of Little D and wondered if she had a family waiting for her yet. Months passed and one day I had a surprise Facebook message from Sarah saying that she was in contact with a family who were looking at Little D's files. She knew that I had a video that she hadn't received and asked me if I was willing to connect them with the video. The video she was talking about what the rocking horse/peek a boo, of course I was willing to share it. 

I connected Lucy*, who was now looking at Little D's file, with the video. Over a week or two we emailed backwards and forwards with Lucy asking if I had any other information and me searching through my emails to see what I could find. I was able to find some more little bits that were helpful, including the paediatricians report. 

After receiving the video Lucy emailed me saying, "I wanted you to know that it was your video that was a game changer for my husband. That video was HUGE for us, we got ahold of our agency the next morning!" My heart sang with this news. I was praising God and crying all at the same time. I had been praying that Little D would find a family and now, by the grace of God, I was able to be a part of helping that family. Little D will be a part of Lucy's family, hopefully soon and Sarah's family have a child they are waiting for as well. But as they are in the waiting, as I am, I pray that God prepares all of our hearts, including our little girls', for the adventure He has instore for us as family. 

 *Names have been changed.